Skip to content

One Christian’s Journey

Why don’t you get a cup of coffee first? I know I can’t really read something this long unless I have the time to settle in with a cup of coffee. In fact, I have one right now. Let me begin by saying that I have known God & Jesus all my life- thanks to my Korean mother who, though she was never really accepted in all the churches my family attended (not only was she ‘different’ in race, but she was, well, fierce– I still debate if it was in a good way), still insisted that we kids get on the purple Sunday School bus every Sunday in our small town in Virginia.

I knew God, but I didn’t ‘get’ Him. Seeings how it was an old time Baptist church we went to, I knew for sure that my 8 year old self was destined for hell. Why? Because when the preacher would yell, “Do ya FEEL God? Do ya LOVE God? Ah can feel the Holeh Spirit movin meh..”, I would shrink a little behind my closed eyes and bowed head and almost whisper, ‘no.’ One time, when my little sister & I were walking home from Church, we discussed this very thing. I asked her if she ever ‘felt’ the Holy Spirit or God and she said, “no.” I said, “We’re both going to hell, then.”

That was a long time ago- both in time and in soul experience. I spent most of my life afterward, however, feeling the same way. I knew God was there. Jesus too. I had no doubt whatsoever. I had also figured out that God forgave my inability to ‘feel’ Him and accepted the acknowledgement of Jesus as my savior alone. But the memory persisted and really bothered me. Why couldn’t I feel Him? Why did it feel like I was praying into the dark behind my eyes? Not once did I think it was God’s fault- I knew it to be mine. But I didn’t know what I needed to do to change it.

As I grew and my family life deteriorated into domestic hell on earth, all I could think about was escaping my parents & my home. To put it succinctly, I was tired of the embarrassment every time the neighbors (or my mother) called the police to our home. As a teenager, it left me a virtual pariah and severely depressed. After bringing a friend home after school one day and opening the front door to discover smashed furniture, broken dishes and food spilling down the walls, I pretty much avoided ever doing it again.

I prayed for relief daily, but God remained the same: a distant, silent Presence that never answered back.

I knew my parents would not ever help to pay for college and I was determined to ‘succeed’ in my life despite the odds of my upbringing. I was proud.  I would beat this.   Another great thing my crazy mother forced me to do was to get straight A’s. An A- was punished and frowned heavily upon. In fact, only A+’s were really acceptable. And then there would only be a pat on the head and a ‘Good Girl’ afterward. No promise of a car upon graduation. No hysterics. No dinner out to celebrate. That was it. But from a woman whom I can never remember even hugging me, let alone kissing me, this was a feast of emotion for which I came to hunger.

It paid off, too. It bought my ticket out of the violence & screaming. I applied to only one college: West Point. Not because I had any desire whatsoever to be a soldier, but because it was as prestigious as Harvard & Yale and was not only a free ride, but even paid me a little salary. I could live away from home and be free. No other university could do that for me. I was going to succeed- I was going to ‘make it’!

Of course, things did not really work out as I had thought. For one thing, I found out that I wasn’t a very good soldier in many ways. So many little details to remember!  I also struggled against the ‘group think’ that tended to offend my thoughts on pragmatism and efficiency.   I struggled with selecting a major. All my professors thought I would soar to new heights as a philosopher or a writer. They were always dumbfounded by my choice of Biochemistry. But I could not bear the idea of being poor- even mildly so. Not coming from the mess I in which I grew. I was to be a doctor- rich & successful- a surgeon even! That would finally wipe my record clean. I could hold my head up to my old school friends then.

My depression raged on, unchecked, and nothing seemed to lift the miserable fog. My grades were becoming terminal- academic failure loomed- something I had never even imagined previously. I hated all the engineering courses & really had no patience for the Chemistry & Biology labs.   West Point left me lonelier than I had ever been.  Women were not welcomed by the male cadets- while the men formed lifelong friendships, we were left to ourselves- often resulting in dire consequences.  I longed to quit, but my mother always answered, “don’t come home if you do,” across the miles on the telephone. My tears didn’t move her- or God.   At least she answered.

During these West Point days, I decided to leave God. His silence killed me. I prayed for Him to forgive me. That since he wouldn’t give me one sign, not one movement of my soul, I had to find out if he was really real. Like many young Christians, I was meeting people of other faiths and even some atheists. I wondered why people who grew up in other countries turned out to be of the faith of their ancestors just as I had become the one of my own. If God & especially Jesus is real, then why did it seem to be so closely tied with where you were born? It hardly seemed fair of God to only save people born to Christian parents. So, I told Him, “I will look for you- but I need to test these other ways out. I need to understand what is going on. If I don’t come back, then You were never real and everything is a lie. But if you are real, please wait for me- and forgive me for doing this. But I want to love you because you are real. Not because someone told me to. Not because I was brainwashed.”

Dark years followed. After a sad rape at West Point, I simply had had enough. I quit at the end my third year. I didn’t care what the Army would do to me. I just couldn’t go on there. Good to my mother’s word, I couldn’t come home- she kicked me out almost as soon as I got there. And I was left floating- no home, no parents, no friends, no boyfriend, no money, no job, no university- no degree. Nothing.

And God? Well. I had done spiritual calisthenics ad nauseam. It led nowhere. I came back to God as no other answer could be found. I never could shake my utter conviction that He was the great I Am. I felt it. Logic & fairness had nothing to do with it- or Him. But He remained silent as usual. Why was he doing this to me? Why not help me? I was trying my best to succeed, but I. just. couldn’t. Prayers wafted into silent darkness.

Thoughts of death began to surface- the horrible silence and aloneness of my life were completely unbearable. I saw life teeming around me. People talking & laughing with friends. Couples walking quietly together. Families. People gabbing down my apartment hallway. How did they get all that? What happened to me? I desperately looked through my phone book for someone- anyone to call from my studio apartment. But I had called her yesterday and we had talked for hours. And I called my ex’s to the point of inappropriateness. I had no family. No friends in this new place (always a new place). I could hear the guy in the next apartment snoring through the thin wall separating our heads. If only someone would just touch me! See me! I understood how old people & babies could die from lack of touch. I would look out my window and see into other apartments and wonder if someone else was listening to the same silence as me (we could get together if we knew who we were)- what would happen if I just rang my neighbor’s doorbell and told them I really needed to talk to someone? Would they call the police? Death was better than this. This was not living.

But I had my pride. I couldn’t stand for someone to know that I killed myself and ended up a failure! Sometimes anger keeps people alive. For me, it was pride. I don’t know who ‘they’ were, but ‘they’ would know I had failed. And that, not blessed death, was the truly unacceptable thing to me.

One day, out of nowhere, a Christian young man found me working at a Greek restaurant and was just full of Jesus talk! Before even learning my name, he told me about his church & his faith. He was so, so, ‘out there’ with his religion. He was not ashamed of God at all! I was immediately attracted to him & what he was saying. He went to a Born Again Christian Church which, frankly, shocked me to the core. There was a Protestant cathedral at West Point- but it was full of the normal, spacious awe I had become accustomed to. So suffice it to say that I was unprepared for the tambourines. But, I was moved. My spirit felt happy & I felt accepted. I finally felt joy- in God’s presence! It wasn’t quite God I was feeling, but it was nice. It was a miracle and I felt that God had finally answered my prayers.

I made the decision to be baptized by this church- a big decision for me. It was held one sunny Saturday afternoon outside the church. The full submersion in the refreshing water with that strong hand to lift me back to life, with the church people all around, praying for me, was wonderful. I felt new and clean. I was so happy. Until someone asked if I knew the person who was hiding in the bushes & watching the ceremony. Imagine my horrified, surreal surprise to realize that my mother (who had recently tricked me out of my apartment which had forced me to live with this very new boyfriend’s family) was surreptitiously skulking about the bushes! Dripping wet from the full bath, I sought her out because she wouldn’t come out. She indicated with her diamond laden finger for me to come to her in the woods and said she was very happy & proud I was baptized! She didn’t invite me to come home.

There are no movies more weird and unpredictable than life. Of that I can assure you.

Needless to say, my embarrassment mixed in good measure with my new pleasure in God. But I was too happy to really care. I went back to my boyfriend’s family & just mumbled something and everyone let it drop. But the damage was done. The mother never did really like me- I was not Italian and that was to be my curse. A tiny Korean mom shirking in the bushes finished her off, I guess. She began to really give it to me.

The names came out (‘whore’ was my favorite) and then the slapping.  The son followed suit in quick fashion. I began to hate him & the whole family- but had nowhere to turn.     He begged forgiveness every time and demanded sex constantly. The family lived in the boondocks- way down a long, lonely highway. Once, I tried to walk away down the highway with nothing but my clothes, but he dragged me back, kicking & screaming. I felt like a prostitute. It was, finally, when his mother decided to choke me upside the family car for seducing her son (some Christian, huh?) and the whole family cheered her on (the boyfriend just stood there like a big dufus) that life was over for me.

Just when I thought it was going to finally get better. From straight A’s in high school, to one of the most prestigious universities in the world (with a personal recommendation from Vice President George Bush, no less!) to being choked by a low-down despicable ‘Christian’ family. With a mother who would not help- even though she was rolling in money. No means of escape either. No car, no job, no money- all thanks to my mother’s evil & lying trick to lure me out of my apartment & job & college classes. (She had promised to help me and then, to spite my father, she ruthlessly kicked me out on to the street- again.)

Physically battered and wild with grief & shame, death was my consuming desire. I pulled my hair seeking the instrument of my death- but could find nothing in that upstairs bedroom to which I had fled. And yet, and yet- I so wanted to live- to succeed! Every moment of my life- mighty or low- coalesced around me in that moment. Gritting my teeth and shaking violently in impotent rage, I noticed a  miraculously quiet & dusty sunbeam soaking the wooden floor. This happens to me from time to time. Even in the midst of emotional turmoil, I can’t help noticing something beautiful. It’s crazy. The hope it represented agonized me and I threw myself upon it. And I called on God.

I knew Him to be there- waiting. Yes, He was there. I knew He knew I could take no more. We both knew this was my moment. The crux of my life. The end and the beginning of it. I told him, “You know this is it. I can’t take anymore. You know. Save me, God. Save me. I don’t want to die. But I can’t live anymore.  I can’t!  Save me, Father, and I will give you my life. All of it. Just save me, Father. You can have it. I want nothing for me anymore. Just save me from this shame. And I will serve only You for the rest of my life. I have nothing to lose. That is wrong, I know. But I will do it. Please, Father, help me.”

And I felt God.

The Almighty Living God surged through my soul and my body and my mind, ringing glorious and pure. I was set aflame. I burned. Pleasure & joy, not of this earth, consumed me with a passion I cannot describe in words. My soul lifted from my chest and pulled mightily toward heaven and my eyes filled with tears. I cried and laughed and rocked myself and no one disturbed me. My blood roared in my ears and yet, all was as silent around me. He was alive! And I would live! He brought all this to me in one, fell swoop. I heard Him. In my mind. Not a true voice, no.  But I heard Him in my mind.  He calmed me and yet burned me. How could I bear it? It was then that I knew & understood everything about my Lord and my life. Everything. It was all for this one moment. All of it.

I can tell you for sure that God, Father to every single human, has a reason for everything he does. There is not one detail that He misses. He really does know when a little sparrow falls from the sky. The very next day, I was only mildly surprised to see my mother enter my boyfriend’s house ’cause I was believin’ in miracles, that’s why! Without any prelude, she told me to come with her- that she had decided to buy me a car and to let me come home. I told her about what God and done and told her that this was why she was there, doing something so completely outside her character and experience. God had moved her to such guilt that she could no longer go on that way. She didn’t answer. Buying the car was quick and easy- she paid cash. I quickly got a job and just as quickly moved out- knowing it was for the last time.

I learned that miracles do happen- when God wants them too.  For his purposes.  He is not like us.  He doesn’t think like we do.  Time is not the same for him.  A lifetime is nothing to Him.  His ‘fairness’ is not our version of it.  God is God.  You may not question Him, no.  Because He is God.  A real God.  And he does as He pleases.  And here is my great discovery:  His pleasure is my pleasure.  Living for Him alone has made me, well, happy.  Being a slave for him has freed me.  I have never felt so alive- or so free.

The hubris of man.  Of me.  It blinds you.  Take my word.

For me, the depression & the total darkness did not just vanish over night. I tell people that my healing happened over time- it was exactly like a plug was pulled from my heel and the evil darkness that had consumed all my joy slowly leaked & dribbled out. Perhaps God knew that to simply erase all that darkness at once, in combination with the new, burning sensation of His presence in my life would surely cause me to go insane. Perhaps it would have been too much for my damaged brain & soul.

The passion born of the Holy Spirit & God that surged through me then has never left me since. God is no longer silent. He sings his song in my soul with every breath that I breath. I don’t need to pray anymore- I live in conversation with my God. My father. I am never lonely now.  He is worth worshipping.  He is.

Life didn’t spell out perfectly afterward, either. But my bumping along actually led to places I wanted to go. I did finally finish my last year of university. I went on to have quite the career and met my dashing husband. Equally damaged birds, we have learned to pour ourselves completely into one another and thus never leave each other dry. We like each other- warts & all. And now I have been further blessed by three beautiful kids.  Unlike my old self, leaving the money & prestige was an easy choice- these kids need me!   They are so funny and full of life. They make me laugh.  Amazingly enough, God speaks to them.  This has been my never ending prayer. They hear him. They feel him. Like little fishies, God is simply natural water to them.

Apparently, they have their own journeys to take with Him. But now you know mine.


  1. I am wondering if you are still around. I am dealing with some of the same things you wrote about. I am at that point of crying out to God like you did, that I can’t take it anymore. Would you write me at [ blanked out for Chad’s privacy] I would love to talk to you about where I am at right now with the depression and hopelessness.

    • Hi Chad, I don’t tend to give out my personal email address to people. However, you are completely anonymous here. No one but I can see your name, IP address or email address. If you like, next time you don’t even need to leave your name. Or, you can continue to use ‘Chad’ and no one will know who you are because they don’t know your last name. But I am here to help you talk about anything you like. It’s Christmas Day. This is a day of GREAT HOPE. All I can say right now is to remember that your true life was never intended to be a physical one here in this universe. This is just your and my birthing place. We are eternal creatures meant to live forever- we are made of the same ‘stuff’ as God. We are made in his image. But in order to be his Child, we must first come back into redemption with him- we are not in a state where we can live by his side forever- otherwises, there would be war in heaven- not to be bourn. No, we must be re-born anew and sin must be done away with. We must become higher order beings. Something essential must change about us. But this can’t happen without our own permission and our own free will. We must wish it and we must reach toward it knowingly. We must CHOOSE to love God above all else- including LIFE on this earth. Once we are ready to throw this existence away for the sake of God, then we are in a humble enough stage to understand who Christ is and what he is truly offering. You may just be at that state. Sometimes we must be driven to our knees before we can finally reach out and grab onto Christ in desperation! Oh! but I look back and am so thankful! If so, then the next step is easy. Just. Let. Go. Just get on your knees. Literally. Chad. Just do that. Just get down on your knees. If you feel like it, just lay with your face on the floor. Just call out to God and tell him that you give up!~!! That you can’t do it anymore. That you can’t make life work yourself. That nothing makes sense anymore. That you have zero answers. That like had no meaning and that you don’t want any part of it anymore. Tell him the truth- that you want to give up on it but you don’t want to die and beg him to save you!! Beg him to save you from killing yourself. I begged that very thing! Tell him that since you can’t even figure out how to save yourself that if God will save you, then you will serve him all the rest of your days. Tell him that you accept him Son, Jesus Christ, as you King and Master and that from this day forward, if God will just spare your life, you will serve Jesus and only Jesus until God should decide to take you home. And mean every word you say to God because no man can lie to God. He sees every fiber of your brain, muscle and synapse. God will send you the Holy Spirit, Chad, and you will never be the same. Give your life over to the service of God and your life will become like mine: full of meaning and purpose- full of joy and also servitude. You will find that the key to life and happiness is not seeking for yourself, but serving others in the way that God commands you. Only those who take up their work for Jesus can ever understand this. It is called the ‘joy that passes all understanding.’ No matter how much you suffer for Christ, this joy will never leave you. You will never regret the day you gave your miserable old life away. Susan

    • Hi ma’am..Is it really okay if i just continue talking with God without saying”In Jesus name,I pray”because it feels like God won’t hear me..

  2. Thank you for sharing. I would be pleased to know if you have any advice for Christians who struggle in their faith and who never get to FEEL God as you have. Is it possible to have a relationship that feels as though it is one way, with a God that’s seems silent and distant and that as you say, it feels like you are praying to the darkness behind your closed eyes? Many thanks.

    • Yes, Karen, I do. The very best thing you can do is to make a decision right here and now. Make a decision to give your life away. Throw it away completely. Decide that your life is not worth living- at least, not for yourself anymore. The day I came alive and began hearing God’s voice was the day I threw my life away. I didn’t realize that it was the wisest thing I would ever do. Lucky for me, a lonely girl with no one to guide her, God did not leave me without resources. He, himself, stepped into my life and basically stripped me of my desire to live. Yet, he left me with my pride intact so that the very idea of being found dead was abhorrent to my pride!! lol! Basically, he put me into an impossible situation where the only ‘best option’ for me was to stop living for myself and to start living in God’s service as his slave. To my sinful mind, at least I was still alive, preserving my pride. I didn’t mind serving out the rest of my time with God at that point because I so hated my own life. Little did I know that it was the greatest gift God would ever give me. And now, he has set me to the task of helping others like you make better decisions that I did.

      Rather than be driven to your knees as I had to be, you can DECIDE to voluntarily throw your life away. Yes, take it and throw it in the garbage can. Take all your dreams, desires, thoughts, beliefs, etc, and throw them into the nearest garbage can. Clean out your house. Throw everything you thought was important, including family, parents, children, everything- throw them in the garbage can. Be a blank piece of paper. Then, kneel down before God. Tell him that your life is over. You don’t want it anymore. Tell him that all you want anymore is him. Tell him that all you want is to serve him for the rest of your life. No matter what he tells you to do, you will do it. No matter where he tells you to go, you will go there. Tell him that you will not love anyone more than him. You will not hold any task before him. HE will dominate every thought for the rest of your life. No husband, no parent, no child, no friend, no job, no desire shall come between you and him. He will be your pinnacle from this moment forward. Ask him to save you from death and meaningless. Beg him to keep you next to him and to speak to you forever and to never be silent anymore with you.

      Mean your promise with all your heart, Karen. God can see into your soul. He knows if you mean what you say. If you can’t say these words and mean them, don’t say them. But if you can say them, then say them. They will transform your life forever. God will always come if you will say these words. God is a real person. What he wants is your complete and total love and devotion. He wants a relationship with you. He wants intimacy with you, not empty prayers. He wants to be in total and constant communication with you. This can’t exist if he is a momentary stop gap when things go wrong. No. This can only happen if he is your everything. If he isn’t the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night, then you aren’t holding up your end of the deal. If you don’t/won’t love him, then why do you expect him to love/cherish you? As with any Person, love with God is a two way street. Your relationship with God must be nurtured. You get to know him more and more over time. Eventually, his voice is something you can’t live without.

      After you have this sincere conversation with God, don’t start prayers with God with a ‘Dear God’ anymore. Also, don’t end them with an ‘in Jesus’ name, Amen.’ Instead, talk to God constantly and without end. There is no beginning or end to your conversation with God. Sure, when you pray with others or say grace, that is different. But in your private conversation with God, you should just ‘walk with God’ as Enoch did. This pleases God. Talk constantly with God. Stop asking God to do things for you. Instead, start praying for others. Lift others up to God. Love others. READ your Bible- but pray for the Holy Spirit to open your mind first. Then, do everything the Bible tells you to do. OBEDIENCE = LOVE to God. Obey God in all you do.

      I promise you, Karen. Do these things and God WILL speak to you. He will not remain silent. His voice will vibrate throughout your body. It is not a voice like a human voice. It is a ‘knowing’ that comes within you. It is a joy of light, a keen understanding that you know is God. God never lies. His voice is loud and clear in the Bible. If you need advice on how to read the Bible, please write back to me. Also, I wrote a short essay on how to begin studying the bible in an article called, May I Suggest a Bible Version & Reading Plan for You?. God wishes you to hear him. If you can’t hear him, it is only because you aren’t close enough. Do what I am telling you to do and you will get close enough. It really is that simple, Karen. Much love and many blessings from your sister in Christ, Susan

  3. I appreciate your honesty in posting this.As someone who started after Jesus as a little boy,in spite of my family,I look good to the world.But God sees our hearts & knows our thoughts.”there is none righteous,no,not one”is so very true.To read this is to be grateful to God for a project leader who knows what failure looks like;but who also understands the joy of victory.Living in SE PA,I doubt we shall ever meet.I look forward to meeting you before His throne.

  4. “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

    Your testimony has moved me to tears, Susan. Sometimes I tend to get on my “pity potty” and whine about how “hard it is” or “how much pain I’m in”… poor, pitiful me. But after reading what you have gone through, I am so reminded how much harder my life COULD have been. I am such a fool for feeling like I’ve had it so rough, when in fact, my life was cushy compared to what you (and so many others like you) had to endure.

    Having been reminded of what our Sweet Jesus went through just for me, I am ashamed of myself for even daring to complain. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am grateful to God that He led me to you.

    Thank You, Father, for all that you have done for me in the past, for all that You are doing for me at this very moment, and for all that You will do for me in the future. Thank You for everything You have given me, and thank You for everything You HAVEN’T given me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

    Sister in Christ,

  5. I admit, I strongly dislike things you’ve posted on your Facebook page. In fact, I’m banned for “trolling”. But this.. brought tears to my eyes. I’m not an atheist, never have I ever doubted Gods existence. But I doubt His love for me. I just don’t deserve it. I make jokes at His expense. But your faith, your story.. moved me. I still don’t agree with what you post on your page, not all of it but like I said, your faith and love of God is amazing. I wish I had that.

    • Secret Christian, you are welcome back to my FB page. Your comment also moves me. Let me now reach out to you in friendship. Sometimes, when I say things, I only figure out later why God prompted me like that. I am so glad to see you here and to hear your trouble. What is one man’s soul worth? EVERYTHING. If I can help just you, then all the names I was called (believe me, there were many! lol!) were worth it.

      Honey. Listen to me. NO ONE IS WORHTY OF HIS LOVE! No one. And guess what? Jesus will forgive ALL your jokes! lol! Guess what? He doesn’t care about your jokes. All he cares about is YOU. When people realize just how generous Jesus is, they don’t get it- they reject it- in fact, it is his very generosity that repels people. Why? Because they are so THIRSTY, so HUNGRY, so… hurt. And they are like the parched man in the desert who sees yet another mirage ahead of them. It shines so bright. They can hear the water splashing… and yet, they can not BEAR to be disappointed again. So, rather than reach for that water and take those last agonizing steps to the water, they give up and die- 10 feet away from their salvation. DON’T be that person! It is Satan who accuses you and tells you that you are not worthy! He is your fiercest enemy. Let me tell you, one imperfect soul to another- Jesus has NEVER forgotten you. He has always forgiven your jokes. He has always loved you. Why? Not because you deserve it. But because his Father wants YOU as his child. Right now, you are in a sorry state! But God sometimes must break us- like he utterly destroyed me! But it is a GIFT, don’t you see? To be broken by God? If we are not broken, how will we come? We will say, ‘hey, I’ve got it all under control! Who needs God!?’ When he breaks us, we then know we need help and this is the first step to God. Humility. We need help. Secret Christian. I don’t know your name (I wish I did- I would like to say it to you ), but Jesus knows your name. All you need to do is come. Pray to him. Ask for his forgiveness and claim his promise to forgive you. Claim it. God never breaks a single promise. Ask Jesus to strengthen your heart and your faith. GIVE you life completely and utterly to him and you will find JOY, Christian friends who will NOT let you down, happiness here on earth and peace. Knowing that the Good will win someday. Go back to church. I suggest a non-denominational one- a new one who has broken the old ideas of ‘being religious’ to serving Jesus and the great mission he gave us to make disciples of men. The music is to die for and the people will welcome you. I go to an Assembly of God church. There are others like New Life, Saddleback and Four Square that are good too. Jesus is coming soon. Make your decision quickly and just do it. We have so much work to do- we need to help others. When you focus on helping other people, you will forget yourself and your own problems. It is a wonderful way to live! I promise! love you so much, Susan. p.s. just let me know what FB handle you use and I will unblock you! (smiles)

      • I’m very liberal when it comes to what my social/political beliefs are. I’m not ashamed of them and I also understand others have more conservative beliefs and that’s fine, we have our freewill.

        But sometimes I get so depressed, I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have one child I love dearly, and friends that are amazing but I feel like something is missing. Maybe I’ve just realized what it is or maybe I’ve always known. But Jesus Christ is missing in my life. I’ve always believed but I want that relationship. Not only because I do believe and I want that “closure” but because I am thankful for every hardship he’s helped me through. My child, my recovery, waking up everyday, all of it is because Jesus and His Father LOVE me and have made it all possible.

        I’ve stated it before but I still disagree with you on a lot of things, and that probably won’t change but I can 100% agree with you that while I am definitely not worthy of His love, he gives it to me every second and all I need now is to FEEL it surge thru me.

        Ps. My handle is Ashley Rose. I was banned the night of the Superbowl if that helps.

      • Ashley, I will unban you from my FB page. Christians don’t need to agree about every single thing. But they must agree on Christ. Listen, I will be willing to bet (though you can’t see it now) that you and I will agree a lot more after you give your life to Christ. Listen. I have a dear, dear friend of mine who is a pastor. Would you like to speak with him privately? I am not properly equipped to help you over the line to Jesus. You need the velvety voice of my friend. You need soothing to your frayed nerves. You, my dear, need some serious LOVING. Let me introduce you to him via FB. He can lead you through prayer and can advise you best on the ‘next steps’ to help you through this time. Jesus has called you, Ashley! It gives me chills. This is your day, hon. It really is. I am so happy inside for you. You will see. I KNOW depresssion. I lived with it for so long, I know what it feels like. I can tell you FOR SURE that Jesus will lift your darkness and you will breath like a little girl again! Have hope! Jesus is here, right now, between us! TAKE HIS HAND! Also, I still have depression, Ashley. I take medication every day to help me. You should see your doctor. It will help SO MUCH. Put Jesus on top, and you will live again. I promise. Hey, I don’t care if you agree with me in anything else! You have your own road to follow and your own path to take. Just put away EVERYTHING you believe and focus only on Jesus. You. Will. Never. Be the same. Thank God, right? I love you. Please Friend me at and we can continue off line. looking forward to meeting you…

  6. I was wondering the other day what had let you to your current point in life, & than I saw this… thank you for sharing your testimony Susan! May God continue to bless you as you bless others:-)

  7. Your testimony is so touching. I could not help but cry because I could feel your loneliness and pain. I’m so happy and thankful that you have a good life today with love from your husband and children. I’m very thankful that God has let our paths crossed even though it be via the internet. Thank you Susan for all your post. It is very clear to me that God is using you. I pray that God will continue to bless you and your family. Hugs & Blessings, Kay

  8. What a beautiful story, Susan. You are such a beautiful and talented person. Your story was heartbreaking, but so moving when you felt God. I am proud to be a sister in Christ with you. I love your blog, but have never commented until this post. 🙂

  9. I only skimmed this article, but I found something interesting.

    “And I felt God.

    The Almighty Living God surged through my soul and my body and my mind, ringing glorious and pure. I was set aflame. I burned. Pleasure & joy, not of this earth, consumed me with a passion I cannot describe in words. My soul lifted from my chest and pulled mightily toward heaven and my eyes filled with tears.”

    Trying to tie this back into our conversation on the other site, I was wondering if this was your sensory detection of God.

    • yes, it was. But not sensory in the way you describe. There is more to human senses than the regular five that are always touted. It is more in the realm of instinct- of ‘knowing’. The ‘knowing’ of what is right and what is wrong. Christians know this sense to be the Holy Spirit. But in the Old Testament, it speaks about the new covenant that God will make with all humans. He said he would remake the hearts of men to ‘know’ God. That is what I’m talking about. Instinct is just one example of how limited so many atheist scientists are. They refuse to acknowledge something that is completely observable across the animal kingdom. It makes me laugh. And then again, you have scientists who believe (correctly, in my opinion) that the human brain is under utilized. That it can do so much more (ESP) than we know today. That this faculty can be ‘unlocked’, as it were. But they can’t acknowledge a simple phenomena: humans across the world, across cultural, religious & geopolitical divides ALL believe in a higher being. They SENSE God with something other than their eyes, ears, skin, tongue, and nose! And interestingly enough, we all know the same rights & wrongs: you don’t kill, you don’t steal, you don’t covet, you don’t lie in court, you should love your fellow man, etc, etc.

      With that kind of white elephant in the room, I find it amusing to see so-called scientists running around trying to explain it as something other than the elephant.

  10. Hello sister, sounds like quite a journey. I just want to tell you something. I want you to know that you are accepted, you are loved and you are cherished. Im sure you know but sometimes it is nice to hear them. God loves you with an everlasting love and His love has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Him. There is no evil act you could do that would make Him love you less. There is no great deed you could to to make Him love you more.

    No matter where we have been in life, God has been there too. There is no pit too deep that His loving arm cannot reach us. It is in the valleys that we find Him. His grace, His mercy and His healing. He is in the pit because He is a humble God.

    You were like a hundred dollar bill. Though dirty, torn, wrinkled, wet and lying in the street. You never lost your value. Not to Him.

    We have nothing to prove to anyone in this life. When we understand the fulness of Gods love for His children, we can enter His rest. It is there we will find peace.


  11. God is good – huh? The waters will not wash over our heads (or at least not until we can’t breath) and the fires will not consume us. God Bless – See you there!

  12. Susan
    There are many who share similar stories to you. I had a cold distant alcoholic mother who never told me that she loved me, a brutally sadistic father who enjoyed inflicting pain on his kids. God too saved me but not my brothers who are societal misfits today. I became a survivor through His strength.

    I am proud to call you a sister in Christ.

    Blessings on you and yours

      • Thank you for sharing your story of finding and experiencing God. No two people’s path or journey to God are the same, but each are beautiful and unique and special. So many people and churches today send out the wrong message; that it is about this church or that church, or this religion or that religion. I admit I was brought up with this mindset was as well, however, I have come to believe that it is all about relationship; OUR relationship with the Almighty God. Once we truly experience HIm in an intimate way, HE will work in our lives and people will see God in us and through us. Not just by our words, but by our hearts and actions as well. The motto at our church is “It’s Not Religion – Just Jesus.” That’s what it’s all about.

        Blessings to you and your family.

  13. I knew you and I were connected in a similar way. I thought at first it was just our fire and convictions to fight the good fight and be the best Mom’s we know to be…now I know we have so much in common you would be amazed. You write beautifully and its something I will read again and I desperately needed the encouragement again after this year. Susan, thanks for sharing such personal tragedy and triumph. You are loved and I appreciate your the gifts God clearly blessed you with. Your friend, Denise

    • Wow. As good a testimony as I have heard. We do no always understand the reasons for the rocky road we have to travel, but once we are willing to put aside our own pride and other human failings and put our hand in his the path becomes much easier and the blessings much more numerous. God Bless you and your family Shorty. (:

%d bloggers like this: