I Am Smyrna
I find it so interesting that my pastor spoke on the church of Smyrna today in church. We are studying the seven churches mentioned in the first part of the Book of Revelation right now. I was feeling.. well, kinda low today. I didn’t want to see anyone right now. I get sick of explaining my circumstance to people who either can’t understand or don’t want to understand. (For those who are only now signing onto my blog, I am being sued for slander against a colonel who raped me when I attended West Point in 1986 and now claims it never happened. The suit is for the ridiculous sum of $3 million.) And even if they want to help, can’t. It is a mutual burden, not a conversation. So I stayed home today and decided to catch the sermon online- pretty nice as I could do it with my puppy in lap, regaled in full pajama, coffee in hand. See, I just lost my last hearing concerning my lawsuit this past week. I must say that I am rather stunned and have been rolling it about in my mind. I have been considering how to break it to my readers. How do I tell thousands of people that God didn’t swoop in and save me as we all thought he would? How do I tell them that Jesus’ words concerning standing in court and having the Holy Spirit fill our minds and bodies with the right words didn’t come true? How do I tell them that God’s name was shamed and not honored in court? That my enemies were licking their lips in satisfaction and gloating, patting their fat, evil stomachs in glee- at my expense, but also at Jesus’ name’s expense? How can I express how that last part angers me? Oh, yes, I know they are reading this and with further glee. And that makes it all the more difficult to communicate the truth to you. Just doing so satisfies their evil little putrid minds.
Can I tell you that I never thought I would be taken down in this way? I have written about homosexuality, gay marriage, Obama, progressives, Mormons, Jesus, liberals, NDAA2012, the Cybersecurity Bill, the fact that all American media is owned by seven privately owned financial groups, that 80% of digital voting machines are owned by one man and his brother. I wrote about Sandy Hook and was one of the first ones to call it a set up. That one article brought over 2 million hits (almost all hate mail) to my site. I have exposed people by name on this blog- I have proven, without a doubt, that these things are true. Granted, I am small and few people have heard of me. But I have felt the brunt of liberal wrath in any case. I have laughed at so many creepy cretins that have crawled upon my page that I was sure one day, a cretin would find a backer with some power. Facebook worried enough that it attempted to shut down my page once and almost succeeded. In fact, it has partially succeeded to this day by shutting down my ability to advertise both my private and public pages. I can’t even ‘boost’ a post! Further, it has killed my ability to post on my Short Little Rebel page thereby killing it for all practical purposes. When I post, about 3 people receive it although I have over 6,000 likes. It has also refused to index my Short Little Rebel facebook page to Google, Yahoo or any other search engine. In fact, if you ever google ‘short little rebel’, you will only find the liberal hate pages dedicated to mocking me on facebook. Even though they only have about 200 likes or less. So I kinda figured that when the hammer came, it would come from one of those directions. But no, the cretins are still just writhing impotently upon their own tiny…um.. pages, hopping gleefully about as they continue to live vicariously through me. (typically liberal, they abandon their own platform when hate suits them- the party that supports women cheers on the would-be general rapist and calls the rape victim woman a liar. Liberalism is not the bastion of logic or intelligence- you can’t reason with these numbnuts.)
Instead, it came from the slanderous direction of the U.S. Army and one of its colonels. And how do you like this? I was raped and was merciful to my rapist. I never brought charges. Instead, I turned to God. I owned one thing, however, and that was his name. It was he that should bear the shame, not me. I didn’t do wrong, he did. Rape is a crime committed by the man, Friends. It is about power, not attraction. You can’t dress sexy enough or act sexy enough to ‘deserve’ rape. No one can shame a woman into ‘deserving’ to be raped. The reason I say this man’s name when I speak of my rape is to put the blame on him, not me. This is part of my healing and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. He is the criminal and I am the victim. That fact will remain between us until we die- and even beyond- for we will both be judged by God himself. No court, no judge, no lawyer can remove the crime. I repeat, no one can remove the factuality of the crime. It remains as a bloodstain upon this man forever. Edgar Allen Poe wrote about this spot as did Shakespeare- this ‘damn spot’ will never come out. Man’s court is not the ultimate court. That is what I have learned since Friday’s hearing.
I innocently wrote about that rape in support of a Fox news article about rape in the military, writing his decrepit name as has become habit to me. I had no idea what that one action would bring. Long story, short- it led to an Army investigation which was inconclusive- neither his enormous lies (with lying witnesses to boot) nor my truth could be proven. Immediately after the investigation came the absurd defamation lawsuit.
Two days ago, I lost my 14th amendment right to due process- well, according to the VA judge I did, anyway. That means that I must now, according to VA, be tried in VA courts for this supposed defamation I committed. Even though all evidence clearly shows that VA has no jurisdiction over me. And why? Because a lying, unethical lawyer wrote five pages of lies which the then prejudiced judge had no right to see and made up his mind before I ever showed up to the hearing. The hearing was flawed and defective from start to finish. The entire process has been a farce. I would have been better protected had I never responded to this preposterous lawsuit at all. Instead, because I had respect for law & order, I responded, saying at every hearing that VA had no jurisdiction over me. However, I didn’t say it right and according to this judge, filed my paperwork in such a way that gave VA jurisdiction over me. So, get that? I submitted paperwork that declared that VA didn’t have jurisdiction over me and by that very submission, gave them jurisdiction over me. Can anyone say, ‘gotcha’? Can anyone say, ‘appeal’?
Justice is a travesty in VA. They just hate letting any fish get away from their grasp. Well, we will see about that later.
So. Let’s get to today and why I call myself Smyrna. Beyond just considering the case, my mind has mostly been on God. I thought I knew him. I thought I was his favorite daughter. I thought we were close, you know? I thought I knew the Bible and what it meant. I thought I had a GRASP on things, you know? I asked thousands of people to pray for me and I know they did. I felt power surging through my bones before I got on that telephone (I appeared telephonically)! I was absolutely confident that all the slander against me would be exposed for what it was- desperate, vengeful, bald-faced lies. I was confident that the judge would make the right decision and release me from this frivolous and defective lawsuit. You can’t understand my disbelief as I listened to the judge all but argue the case for the plaintiff! I wish I had called the judge out on it, but was too overwhelmed at the time to think of speaking. I was stunned. I was stunned at my God! Forget the lying attorney, forget my foul rapist, forget the judge- I was stunned at God himself! I have been wracked for understanding since Friday. Is it possible that God let me down? Let his own name down? And what was this in my own heart? Anger at him? Disappointment in him? Am I a hypocrite? Did I not just yesterday advise two people to understand that God always means good either to us or to someone else even when it appears that he has let us down? Then this anger/disappointment in my heart is pure hypocrisy!! And that thought got me even more down.
I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Not to God. And not to you all. That’s why I am confessing it to you as I confessed it to him. That is why I have been silent since Friday. I didn’t know how to talk to you. The only saving grace and point of forgiveness by which I can approach God is that I knew in my heart that I would not feel that way for long. I knew that I would come around to a wiser understanding and that I would come to a better place. And I have done so now. Jesus wrote to Smyna:
“To the angel of the church in Smyrna write:
These are the words of him who is the First and the Last, who died and came to life again. 9 I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich! I know about the slander of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. 10 Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.
11 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. The one who is victorious will not be hurt at all by the second death.”
See? I had forgotten something. Even Jesus was hauled before the courts. And he lost the earthly battle. Why am I any different? When we stand for Christ, we will lose our wealth, freedom and even respectability on this earth. Was not God mocked when Jesus was crucified? Wasn’t Jesus mocked by the criminal who was crucified beside him? People spit on the Son of God! Who am I? Jesus, in this letter, saw the church of Smyrna and praised them. They, too, were losing the earthly battle. He specifically mentioned slander. My situation is full of irony. I am called a slanderer, which is slander against me. My pastor mentioned that history shows that they refused to pay for the certificate that was required at the time that showed that they claimed that Caesar was the Son of God. If their persecution was merely that, then it wouldn’t have been slander, it would have been the truth. But people were going around telling lies about this church because they hated them for standing up for God and Christ.
This is the same for me. No one will help me now because of who I am and what I have written. My enemies online don’t care about my rape or the truth of it. They only care about my politics and the things I have written against them before this point. Because they are full of evil, they will join any side to take me down. They give up all their own supposed principles and join up with their ideological enemies to destroy me if that suits them at the moment- they only know their hatred. They have no scruples or desire for truth. And they know it themselves. They only know bloodlust. I don’t know how they sleep at night. I am just glad that I am not like them.
I tried to find a defense lawyer in VA but no one would even take my case. No one. I was turned down by every defense lawyer. Even when I said I could come up with the money. Even when I lied and said I could come up with the money. At that point, I just wanted to see if they were just avoiding me. And they were. This craven lawyer had picked his victim well. He knew that I would be seen as a right wing religious fanatic- he would paint me as a consummate online liar who was craving attention all the time. And defense lawyers were terrified of taking me on because they knew the fight would be hard. That society hates Jesus and would not look kindly upon a person who wrote blatantly against homosexuality and gay marriage as I did. Oh, and add the government ‘conspiracies’ that I write about and forget it. Telling the truth, my dears, has never been popular. Not in the time of Smyna, and not in today’s time. Telling the truth will always bring punishment from the government and from those in power. Defense lawyers know it too. And without an insurance company behind you to ensure that they get paid enormous amounts of money, they won’t take on the risk. Our home insurance doesn’t do slander cases. Nice, huh?
The government in the form of the U.S. Army refuses to help me as well. It was they who abandoned me at West Point. It was they who encouraged me to come forward with the investigation even though I absolutely refused to do so for the first two requests. It was they who promised justice. Instead, they set me up for this lawsuit. And when it happened, they refused to provide any legal help at all, citing the fact that I am no longer in the service. How do you like them, there apples? The Army doesn’t give one fig about rape in the military. They got to ‘do something’ with my case. And now, they have closed the books.
And I will drown as a result.
They don’t care about their renegade colonel/ rapist. Even though two women have also come forward with complaints against my rapist secretly to me. If you tell the truth, that simple act is to stand up for Christ. Truth belongs to Jesus, not satan. Truth of any sort. Telling the truth is to stand for Jesus. Any truth. I told the truth of my rape. Even though this wasn’t a direct stand for Christ, my entire blogging life and in fact, my life is a stand for Christ. I declare my love for God with every breath. I am Smyrna. And I am proud of it. How many people can say this?
My pastor was in pain this morning. He said that it pains him that when he was young and idealistic, he grieved because he felt that he and we had built lives that were inherently disobedient to Jesus’ Great Commission. That the very method of our lives, the very comfort in which we live is disobedient. I will not only agree with my pastor, but I will one-up him. I will say that he is completely right and that even my church and even my pastors are living disobedient lives as we speak. It is easy to say that we should all live Christ’s Great Commission. But it is an empty speech when you do not do it. The problem with his speech is that he went on to qualify his story by saying that he grew up to realize it was ‘too extreme’ and then, sarcastically said that he would never ask us to sell everything we own and follow Jesus- after all, who would be crazy enough to do that? No! No qualifications! No sarcasms! No escaping! That is too cheap.
I do it. I do it here on my blog and on my Facebook page every day. And I have faced anger, slander, ridicule, shame, pointing fingers, hatred- both from the public and from those closest to me. Sadly, even from people from my own church. But who of my accusers is even trying to speak the truth in any way at all? Where are they? They are all, everyone of them, hiding behind their comfortable lives, saving their own bacon, their own children, their own wallets, their own reputations, their own friendships, their own careers, their own spouses, their own homes, their own everythings. Even my pastors. Yes, I must say it, though I love you more than I love my own brothers. They will only speak the truth among others who agree with them- but never to those who oppose- and never publicly. Don’t look down upon me- I am not perfect, but you can’t fault me for my love of Jesus- or for my attempts at the truth. Because I know that Jesus honors me for it. And so should you. But where are you when I need you most? Where are you now? Why do you not stand publicly with me? Are you ashamed of me?
I am alone right now in my suffering. I am now facing bankruptcy because of it. My husband, who has lived the most proper and correct and respectable financial life possible will suffer for my truth telling. He doesn’t deserve the blight of bankruptcy on his record. I am considering divorcing him to protect him from this shame I am about to bring him. So many people have shaken their heads at me. The inherent message in their oh, so wise and grave shaking of heads: “I always knew that the day you opened your mouth online was the day you asked for trouble to your family. You are so stupid to take that chance with your family. You are a foolish mother and a bad wife.”
I suppose I am a foolish mother and a bad wife. I feel that. It breaks my heart. If suicide were an option, I would take it for the pain I have brought my husband and children. I would do it for all the pain my tormentor is putting me through in these last years. I can honestly say that I no longer even wish to live in this world- that is the overall effect of what my rapist has done to me and is continuing to do to me. What all this has shown me is that I am alone in wishing to stand up to evil in this world. That the path to God is indeed hidden and little trampled upon. Few wish to stray onto this path. Indeed, the path to hell is wide and well paved! It is polished slick with all the feet of those who call upon the name of Christ! I am an outcast among my brothers and sisters. When I suffer on these sidelines among the thorns and rocks, they look upon me as the foolish person. But Jesus! I look for you only ! I believe in your promises! So few people are on this path that I can’t see one with me. But Christ is with me, I tell you all now. This life will pass away and I will be with him. And he alone will comfort me. All your words of scorn will no longer be heard by my burning ears. Jesus alone knows my heart and how it craves his truth and justice. Only he knows how much I yearn to obey his commands. He understands me completely and I tell you now that he alone loves me in this rotten world. No one’s judgment upon me matters but his. People’s words do hurt me- they do. I am not stone. But he alone can sustain me to the end. That much I believe.
I get this terrible notion that only my death will finally prove that my rapist did rape me. That’s when officials finally take any woman seriously- when her blood runs red on the street. Only her death will suffice. But as long as she breaths, as long as she dares to share the same earth, dares to pursue happiness, has the audacity to claim her right to not be raped, claim her right to speak the truth for its own sake, dares to be strong, stand up and be someone- as long as she has any guts at all, no one will help her in her hour of need. No, she must die first. Then, the officials will turn out in their slick, dark suits (rapist included) and say how very sad it all is. And they will finally turn to her tormentor and will slap his wrist. But no real change will happen. And the other women will continue to be harassed, touched, pushed, and raped. And their rapists will still become generals. And these same generals will be the ones who make policy on rape in the military.
But I am still Smyna. Jesus still looks upon me with favor, World. I still stood up for the Truth and you did not make me crumble. You can take away all my money; you can take away all my freedom. But you can’t make the spot of your guilt disappear. No one believes you. They all know you raped me. Just as you know you raped me. Your wife- both of them- know you raped me. They are women too, you know. Your children know you raped me. Everyone you work with knows you raped me. The ‘damn spot’ can’t be wiped clean, no matter how many times the court of man might give you victory. If you win in court, it will be empty. You will still face God. I will still be innocent. All you will have done is hurt your victim even more than you already have. That is something you will have to live with. You could have just gone on with your life in comfort as a retired colonel but instead, decided to turn in revenge. You needed to hurt me even more. What does that make you? An animal. There is a hell. And you will see it. There is also a heaven. And I will see it. That is the ‘second death’ to which Jesus refers in verse 11. That is all our hope when injustice and even death faces us in this life.
Yes, sometimes, no matter what God has promised, he will let us be defeated. He let his own Son die by the hands of evil men. But not without purpose, my friends. And not without ultimate victory. Remember, Jesus ROSE AGAIN after three days. My suffering is not without purpose either. Nor will it be without its victory. If nothing else, I can tell you that I will never lose faith in my God. He always IS. He is always GOOD. And I know he LOVES me. These are infallible truths. As true as the sky is blue. Nothing can shake these truths. We may not always understand his decisions and we may very well be allowed to lose very publicly in life – it may even look like God is not honoring his own name. But don’t forget that Christ was mocked. God was mocked. And Smyrna was eventually crushed. But in the end, God WILL be glorified. God is patient. We must be patient too. I was short sighted in my initial anger and disappointment with God. That was my problem. Today’s sermon showed me that. I thank my pastor for this sermon. Now I challenge him and everyone to live a real, bold, and sacrificial life. BE Smyrna yourself and stop being safe. Speak the truth- dare to speak the truth. Dare to stand with those who have the courage to try. You will see the trouble it brings. It is as inevitable as the sunrise. But as necessary as the breath of Life.